Send me your corniest joke or a good riddle. I'll include it here. And check out more new author's names below. Can you think of other good ones that we could use? Send them to me and I'll post them. Special thanks to Jasmine for sending in the latest joke.
JOHNNY: I know a lady who has 500 cats.
BRAINY BILLY: You've got to be kitten me.
SCIENCE TEACHER: Why does blood rush to your head when you stand on your head, but doesn't rush to your feet when you stand on your feet?
BRAINY BILLY: Your feet aren't empty!
Q: What did the snail say, when he hitched a ride on the back of the turtle?
A: WHEEEEEEEEEEE !!!!!!!
If you sit on a tack I'm sure you'll rise to great heights.
Q: What did the tack detective say about solving his case?
A: I'll get to the bottom of this if you'll point me in the right direction.
If Pinocchio's nose were twelve inches long would it actually be a foot?
EXCITED FIRST GRADER: I learned how to write in school today.
MOTHER: What did you write?
EXCITED FIRST GRADER: I don't know. They haven't taught us how to read yet!
TEACHER: Billy, if you put your hand in your pocket and found 50 cents, and put you hand in your other pocket and found another 50 cents, what would you have?
BRAINY BILLY: I'd have on somebody else's pants.
Q: What did Paul Revere say at the end of his famous ride?
A: Whoa!
Q: What does a cell phone give his girlfriend?
A: A RING!
TEACHER: Billy, you missed school yesterday, didn't you?
BRAINY BILLY: Not very much.
I dreamed that I was a muffler. When I woke up I was exhausted.
Q: What's another name for a helpful Eskimo?
A: A Cool Aide
Q: You can pick a guitar, and you can pick cotton, but can you pick-a-dilly?
A: Yes, if you're taking it out of the pickle jar.
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Have you ever heard of a psychic winning the lottery?
RECEPTIONIST: Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room.
DOCTOR: Tell him I can't see him now.
Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch?
A: Beef Jerky
Q: What is red, blue, and green and flies?
A: A super pickle!
PATIENT: Doctor, Nobody notices me. I think I must be invisible.
DOCTOR: Who said that?
TEACHER: Billy, how do you spell "crocodile"?
BRAINY BILLY: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L.
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
BRAINY BILLY: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
PATIENT: Doctor, I think I'm shrinking.
DOCTOR: Calm down. Be a little patient.
Q: Why did the computer go to the chiropractor?
A: It had a slipped disc.
TOMMY: Why did the turkey cross the road?
BRAINY BILLY: It was the chicken's day off.
TOMMY: That's an old joke. But why did the turkey REALLY cross the road?
BILLY: It came to my house for Thanksgiving!
JOHNNY: Billy, does your nose play basketball?
BRAINY BILLY: Why do you ask?
JOHNNY: I just noticed that it's been dribbling all over the place.
TEACHER: Class, did you know that an elephant can't jump?
BRAINY BILLY: That may be true, but I've seen a horse fly!
Q: What does it mean if you're claustrophobic?
A: You're afraid of Santa.
If a package says, "Open here," where else could you open it?
Brainy Billy: I can prove that you're not here.
Dull Dan: How can you do that?
Brainy Billy: Well, you're not in Los Angeles, Houston, or New York City are you?
Dull Dan: No.
Brainy Billy: If you're not in those places you must be someplace else. And if you're someplace else, you can't be here!
Q: Why was 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7-8-9.
Q: What has four wheels, no wings, and flies?
A: A garbage truck
Q: Why was the cookie crying?
A: Because it felt so crummy.
Q: What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile?
A: "Robin, get into the Batmobile!"
Q: Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?
A: Because she had BRIGHT students!
Q: What was Beethoven's favorite fruit?
A: Ba-na-na-na !
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Arnold.
Arnold who?
Arnold these Knock Knock Jokes really silly?
Q: If there are 60 seconds in a minute, and 60 minutes in an hour, how many seconds are there in a year?
A: Twelve. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd. . .
TOMMY: Billy, what time are you going to the dentist?
BILLY: At 2:30 (tooth-hurty)
Q: What do you call a two wheel vehicle that your father rides?
A: A popcycle.
Q: Why do birds fly south in the winter?
A: Because it's too far to walk.
Do you know why anteaters never get sick? They're full of anty-bodies.
Dr. Jones fell in the well
And died without a moan
He should have tended to the sick
And left the well alone
TEACHER: What do you call a dog that has no legs?
BRAINY BILLY: You don't call it anything, 'cause he couldn't come even if you did call him.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. The first one said to the other," You stay here and I'll go on ahead. "
TOMMY: My dad has two pairs of golf pants.
BRAINY BILLY: I'll bet he got a hole in one.
TEACHER: An island is a piece of land surrounded on all sides by water.
BRAINY BILLY: I don't think so, teacher. There's not any water on the top side.
Q: What does the ocean say to the boat?
A: Nothing. It just waves.
Q: What did the right shoe say to the left shoe?
A: I think we must be sole mates.
Q: If a fruit grows on a fruit tree, what kind of tree does a chicken grow on?
A: A poultree
Q: What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
A: Ruff!
If the police arrest a mime do they tell him that he has the right to remain silent? And if he says a bad word, does his mother wash his hands out with soap?
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No eye-deer
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no eye-deer
Did you hear about the dolphin who lost his best friend. He no longer had any porpoise in life.
An invisible man married an invisible woman. Their children weren't much to look at either.
RIDDLE: What does everyone make, no matter how old they are?
BILLY: Mistakes!
Is it possible to be totally partial?
BILLY: Dad, were you really smart when you were in school?
DAD: Was I smart? Let me tell you, Billy. Why, I was so smart I graduated in the top 95% of my class!!!
I've seen a chicken catch a bug, but I've never seen a chicken catch a Tory.
TEACHER: Billy, why did Robin Hood rob from the rich?
BILLY: Because the poor didn't have any money.
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Is Taco Bell the Mexican phone company?
Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.
TEACHER: Billy, why won't you help your sister with her homework?
BILLY: Because I can't be a brother and assist her too!
Is there another word for "synonym"?
PATIENT: Doctor, please help me. Every time someone comes in our yard I bark like a dog.
DOCTOR: How long have you had this problem?
PATIENT: Ever since I was a puppy.
PATIENT: Doctor, my memory is slipping. I can't seem to remember anything.
DOCTOR: How long have you had this problem?
PATIENT: What problem?
One One was a race horse.
Two Two was one too.
One day One One won a race.
Two Two won one too.
BILLY: Teacher, what is 5Q plus 5Q?
TEACHER: 10Q
BILLY: You're welcome!
BILLY: I'd like to buy a round trip ticket, please.
TICKET AGENT: Where to?
BILLY: Well back to here, of course.
A peanut sat on the railroad track
His heart was all aflutter
A train came speeding down the track
Toot, toot! Peanut butter
You can tune a piano, and you can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.
Many dead animals in the past turned into fossils. Others preferred to be oil.
BILLY: This compass doesn't work. I want my money back.
CLERK: What's wrong with it?
BILLY: It only points to the north.
There are three kinds of people, those who can count, and those who can't.
WEATHER FORCAST FOR MEXICO:
Chili today, hot tamale
There was a wooden car with wooden wheels and a wooden engine.
Guess what . . . It wooden go!
TOMMY: What would you get if you crossed an alligator with a rose?
BILLY: I don't know, but I wouldn't want to sniff it.
FERDINAND THE FROG: Time's fun when you're having flies.
Q: What happens when you throw a white hat into the Red Sea?
A: It gets wet
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add 5. Then imagine you had that many candy bars. Wow, that's 5 more than the biggest number you can come up with.
You can listen for thunder after you see lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you didn't hear it you already got hit, so never mind.
If the plural of "goose" is "geese," why isn't the plural of "moose" "meese"? And if the plural of "louse" is "lice," why isn't the plural of "house" "hice"?
Statistics prove that half of the people who view GrandBob's website are above average!!!
It's so cold in some parts of the world that people there have to live in other places.
BILLY: Have you heard about the henway?
BOBBY: What's a henway?
BILLY: Oh, about two and a half pounds!
(Hen weigh...Get it?)
Q: What do you call a fly that doesn't have any wings?
A: A walk
TEACHER: Billy, I found a worm in the apple you gave me.
BILLY: Well I'm just glad you didn't find half a worm.
DRIVER: Tell me, officer, will this road take me to Chicago?
OFFICER: No, you'll have to drive there yourself.
BUTCHER: Doctor, I've had a terrible accident. I backed into my meat grinder.
DOCTOR: Did you get a little behind in your work?
BILLY: Mommy, is it true that we came from dust and to dust are returning?
MOMMY: Yes, Billy. Why do you ask?
BILLY: Well look under the bed. I think someone is either coming or going.
SUBMITTED BY NEIL AND ANDREW:
CUSTOMER: Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
WAITER: Hmmm. . . looks like the backstroke, Sir.
CUSTOMER: Do you have spaghetti on the menu today?
WAITER: No, I wiped it off.
CUSTOMER: Waiter, there's a bug in my soup.
WAITER: Don't worry. He won't drink much.
CUSTOMER: Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
WAITER: Then why aren't you laughing?
Q: What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
A: Is that you, Mommy?
TOMMY: Billy, your shoes are on the wrong feet.
BILLY: No they're not. These are my feet.
Q: What's the fastest way to count a whole herd of cows?
A: Count the legs and divide by four.
Q:What do you call cows that don't have legs?
A: Ground Beef!
Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes?
TOMMY: My dog can jump higher than my house.
BILLY: That's amazing! I didn't know your house could jump!
ZOO KEEPER: Have you ever seen a man eating tiger?
BILLY: No, but once I saw a man eating chicken.
Q: Why does a flamingo lift only one leg?
A: If it lifted both legs it would fall in the water.
Q: In Australia, what side of the sheep does the wool grow on?
A: On the outside!
Q: How many books can you put in an empty backpack?
A: Only one. After that, it's not empty.
Did you see the lightning bug that backed into the fan? It was de-lighted, no end.
Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every day you'll rise and shine.
Q: What did the banana say to the hippo?
A: Nothing. Bananas can't talk.
Yesterday GrandBob went to get his haircut, and the barber said, "Which one?"
Q: What did the chicken say when she got to the library?
A: Book, book, book, book, book
Q: What did the frog say to the chicken in the library?
A: Read it, read it, read it
MAN: Doctor, my wife thinks she's a chicken.
DOCTOR: Well, why don't you just tell her that she's not?
MAN: I can't do that. We need the eggs!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Nomar.
Nomar who?
Nomar chicken jokes, please
Q: How long would it take a cat to run all the way around the world?
A: One day if it were fast enough!
Q: Where were the skunks going when we saw them walking along?
A: To church, because they stunk to high heaven. And they sat in their own pew. And the papa skunk said, "Let us spray."
BILLY: Teacher, would you yell at me for something I didn't do?
TEACHER: Of course not.
BILLY: Well I didn't do my homework!
BILLY: Mommy, there's a dead fly in my milk.
MOMMY: Well, what do you expect? You know that flies can't swim.
TEACHER: Billy, if you had $10 and gave $5 to your brother, how much would you have left?
BILLY: I'd still have $10, because I don't have a brother.
TEACHER: Well, I know you've got a sister. So if you had two apples, and gave her one, how many would you have left?
BILLY: I'd still have two, because my sister doesn't like apples.
TEACHER: Billy, you're being difficult. So let's try this one more time. If your father had $10 and you asked him for $5, how much would he have left?
BILLY: He'd still have $10.
TEACHER: Billy, I think you just don't know math.
BILLY: You don't know my father!
TEACHER: What are 10 and 20 and 30?
BILLY: Numbers!
"Little Willie" poems were very popular when MY parents were young, and that's a long time ago. They were originally written by Harry Graham in "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes" around the turn of the 20th century.
Here is one of my favorites
- GrandBob
Little Willie in silks and sashes
Fell in the fire and burned to ashes
By and by the room grew chilly
But no one wanted to poke up Willie